Since today is the first day of the year which means it is the 1 out of the 365. I think now is the perfect time to start moving forward into becoming a better person, which is my goal this 2014. So here goes my letters or short messages to the people who I think I have wronged last year, or to just some random people.

1. I am really sorry for being such a bitch. You have done nothing bad to me (that I’m aware of), and yet I was silently trying to kill you with my hard feelings. Though I wasn’t really trying to kill you, but even by imagining it was just too horrible, and I don’t want to be that person anymore. I’m really sorry for being unkind, and for checking up on you on your facebook account every time I had a chance because of my paranoia. And I feel so sick because of what I’d been doing, it’s really nasty and I’m not that person, or at least I used to be not that kind of person. So I cannot promise you that I won’t feel the hate towards you anymore, but I promise that I will try to be a better person towards you.

2. You’d been a constant joy in my life, you are one of the greatest gift I’ve had and I’m really really thankful for everything you have done. You may be the reason behind most of my struggles, and I may have hate you for a minute because of numerous reasons, but I really do love you from the bottom of my heart. Always.

3. Hi. I know we don’t talk anymore. And I might be still holding a bit of a grudge towards you, but I want you to know that I forgave you, for everything you’ve done wrong. for every lies and for every hurtful things you’ve done. Because I understand you and the reason that cost you to do those things. And even right now, everything feel surreal. I don’t even know if I’ve already faced what happened, if I’m just trying to be tough or if I’m really just okay with it because I was already too tired. But I really did loved you. 

4. Telling you “I thought you’re different” had crossed my mind so many times after that night. I was dumbfounded and I really didn’t expect that you would do that, I know it wasn’t your fault, and not hers as well, but being on my side of the triangle, it was very tragic. So I’m really sorry for being distant, for not being a friend or more, because I really thought things will be different.

5. You’ve never left my heart. When it comes to you, my feelings never really ends. It is always there, you were always there. Whenever I know that you’re around, I wouldn’t miss a chance to look around the crowd and search for your eyes. I was never strong enough to withstand your effect on me, I will always bow down and let it crush me. I will always love you so much or more. But now, I’m no longer going to wish for you, because I know better. Because no matter how hard I beg or ask, it will never be enough. I will just enjoy each moment till it ends. 

Okay, so that’s it. I’m sorry for the drama. But I just want and need to let a few words out of my system.

During the past 12 months, a lot has happened. I graduated, got my first real job, I became a teacher for several months and I had my heart broken into pieces. And in the midst of all those changes, I’ve learned that I’m still young, and I really have to go through the hard process of growing up as an individual. I’ve realized that I’m not there yet, and I’m barely even someone that I can be proud of. I still have a lot of things to learn. I still have a lot of things to experience. And being a fresh graduate doesn’t mean that you already have it all. Education doesn’t stop after graduation, it’s indeed a continuous process. 

All in all, the year 2013 was like the year of transition and changes. In the beginning of the year, I was still a student. and then a few months after that, I was the one sharing the information, I was the one preparing the lesson for the day. And during those times, I thought I’m not gonna make it, there were pressures everywhere. At home, at work, and even in my personal life and I’m barely hanging on. I was really grateful that during the last two years of my college life, I’ve learned to live on my own or to depend on no one. Because if not, I’m not really sure of what I could have done. And also when I thought that I would be spending the rest of my life with someone, something huge happened, and it blew us apart. 

But 2013 isn’t all about heartaches and struggles, it is also about how God never left me, how my family has been there for me though sometimes it was really hard to be with them, and of course the things that I experienced like exploring Malaysia, spending holidays with my family in Boracay, meeting new people and many more. 

So, I have so many reason to be thankful this year, and I’m just really glad that after everything that happened, I’m still here stronger than ever. So i guess now I should be saying, Hello 2014!

1. Have an early breakfast at my grandfather’s grave (Of course, with a packed breakfast)

2. Go to the nearest flower shop and buy flowers for my parents and grandmother with a note that says “If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here today. So, Thank You”

3. Give donation/s to an orphanage or to a family that needs the goods, especially on the holiday season

4. Start some gardening!

5. Try cooking “real” dishes for the family?

6. Paint something, anything.

7. Go to the nearest pet shop, and buy a goldfish (maybe I’ll buy a bowl before my birthday)

8. Read an Inspirational book (which I’ve never done before) and just think positively

9. Do an overall or general cleaning in my room (I haven’t done that in ages)

10. Go to a Kapilya and talk to Him.

1. And so we moved in circles, with no direction, we kept on running, we kept on pleading, bleeding, till we can’t take it anymore. And now, all that is left are nothing but a few ripped pictures of what we used to be.

2. There is a part of me that you refused to see, it is the part of me that I had to lose even if i don’t want to. But now that I’m free, so is she.

3. I spent hours pleasing you, days doing what you asked me to do, and weeks trying to win you. But failing miserably at one thing, made you forget that there is also the other things

4. Choosing to be “that” girl instead of being “this” girl doesn’t make you less human

5. Heartbreaks and its effects on me…

1. I like my space neat. I usually depend my next posts from the previous post I made. I hate bombarding my blog with the same thing over and over. I always keep the balance (As much as I can). I usually post a picture after a long post filled with words. I’m really concern on how my posts would look on my blog. Really.

2. Being the lazyass that I am, I tend to post pictures from my instagram account instead of coming up a decent post. And I seriously hate it.  For an example, during the last two years I have with my previous blog which by then I already rarely post anything, I decided to keep it active by linking the Instagram and Tumblr app I have on my phone. But in the end, I regret it all.

3. Rant like a rat. (Yeah, a serious ranter here.) And of course, blab. Which is one of my biggest problem from my previous account since I have posted some really personal details of my life. Though, it wasn’t too big of a deal, but still, no one really knows when our past will catch up to our present.

4. Cyberstalker. There were times that I’ll open my account, just to check the blogs of the usual people I want to see. I’m actually getting worse at cyberstalking.

5. Getting inspiration. In addition to my last statement, I actually look for blogs that inspires me to post something. (Realization: I may not be a natural blogger).

6. That’s all.

- I’m just trying to say or share things that might actually make sense -

(The clothes were worn by Ms. APCAS 2013 Candidates)

For the second time, my clothing collection was used, but this time it’s no longer for a subject requirement. Because this time, my collection was used for an opening number of a school production called Ms. APCAS 2013. And I’m so proud, cause as a novice designer, it’s an honor to be given such opportunity.

And what makes me really happy that night was the fact that I was greeted by my longtime crush/idol designer, Ms. Yayang Bautista. Who was able to study fashion designing at Fashion Institute of the Philippines.

That is why, I’m really inspired once again. And I guess having this feeling and being able to look back to a distant dream, is actually a good thing.