Have you ever felt an extreme desire to say something to the point that you already want to scream, but you’re too afraid that it might ruin everything?

Well, I do.

It breaks my heart over and over whenever I witness, or hear some things that crash your hopes and shatter your dreams into pieces.

I wrote these words a few months ago, I’m just not sure on the exact date when I did it. And even if I may feel a bit different today than that day, I know that I will always feel it. Because it is always the same burning heat in my gut that wants to explode every single time I cannot utter a thing, and the nagging pain of knowing that I am helpless. I just couldn’t find enough courage to fight for what I believe in, for the thing that I truly desire. I am too afraid to lose everything I’ve work hard for, because it’s not only the time and energy I’ve spent that are at stake, my heart and dreams are also included.

And the ironic part is, I only feel this way when it comes to that one single person. It’s tragic because after all the years I’ve spent trying and fighting, it will always be a pointless battle. Because I will always feel the same way.

There are times that I can’t help but wonder about my job and all the things that goes along with it. I always find myself doubting everything and I keep on thinking if am I too old for this? or if am I too young for that?

It’s really exhausting, but at the same time I feel so blessed that I get to live the best of both worlds. That phrase may sound cliche, but it’s somewhat true since I’m already experiencing things that most of the people around my age won’t experience at least before they reach the age 35, and yet I’m only 21 years old.

I’ve just started enjoying my adulthood when all these huge responsibilities and obligations came crashing down like an avalanche (which, FYI, can also be perceived as blessings). So even saying “I wasn’t prepared” is a complete understatement. I guess that’s the hardest part of it all. Because it’s not that I wasn’t ready, but it’s the fact that I wasn’t given enough time to accept that I will never get to pursue some of the dreams and plans that I have for myself. But being under this circumstances for almost six months now, I’ve finally accepted that whatever I’m doing right now will be the center of my life for a very long time, and I guess I can live with that. Especially now that I have finally found joy and peace of mind in this career path I have unconsciously taken.

However, there are times that I still struggle between my age or maturity level and what my job requires me to do. Because eventhough I’m still young and I have all the right to act like a normal 21 year old, my job already requires me to act or be like someone way ahead of my age.

But someday I will be better than today…

“By words we learn thoughts, and by thoughts we learn life.”  - Jean Baptist Gerard

When I started blogging again on the last quarter of 2013, I was filled with so many ideas for my new blog. I even named it “LifeofYan” which obviously means that my blog will be about random stuff about me, like my (filtered) thoughts, my daily activities and whatnot or whatever it is that is going on with my life considering that I’ve always been that kind of a blogger. But due to some unfortunate and personal reasons, I wasn’t able to pursue my original plans. 

So after several months of being on hiatus mode (which actually helped me choose whether I should go back to this or not), I’ve finally decided to try to go back on track. But this time, I will no longer put so much pressure on being active. I don’t want to rush things or make my blog seem fake and unnatural. I really want to express myself more, through my words and pictures. Though I won’t be providing too much information that might compromise my status at work, or in my local community. That’s why I’ll do my best to focus on positive things, and avoid the negative ones since that will sort of help me avoid affecting anything in real life, or even if it does, at least it’s on positive note. Though I’m pretty sure there will still be some depressing posts from time to time, but I guess, that’s life.

Now, going back to the quotation above, I’m just trying to say that  by the words I’ll be sharing on the days to come, you’ll know my thoughts, you’ll learn a thing or two about my life (or at least the version of my life that I want to share).

All the gray 1:1

I was supposed to post something personal today regarding yesterday’s event and the reason why I wasn’t able to post my 5th picture for my 365 challenge. But because of what happened today, I guess I won’t post it anymore. Things got really complicated at work, and I don’t want to post something that I will definitely regret later on. 

So in the future, I might not be able to post anything so personal that might compromise my position or my status at work. So please, I’m asking for your understanding. 

1. Finish my 365 posts
2. Finish my 100 movies challenge for 2014
3. Finish my 50 books challenge for 2014
4. And more updates